This blog was a tool for my wife Emily and I to promote awareness of infertility, to share our story as we walked through the dark journey of infertility and to get help as we did so. We hope as we have been touched by so many others walking down a similar path as we have, many for much longer than we did that this blog can give you some hope. There is a plan, there is a purpose. Grow through the suffering, allow it to make you the person God created you to be. Please contact us for anything. We want to use our experience to help others. 

Happy Woman's Day

Here it is again, the day we celebrate God's most unique creation, the woman. I think many men have the same first question on their list of what to ask God, "What were you thinking?!" Yet as we all know, you can't live with them but we most definitely can't and wouldn't want to live without them. Although we term this day "Mother's Day" I want to go about it from a different angle and call today, Woman's Day.

My mother will always have a unique place in my heart.  After all, she is the reason I am here. My mom always did what she thought was best for me and for that I am eternally grateful. Mother's have a job that requires more of them than any occupation on this planet, they nurture, they protect, they serve, they don't sleep, and they do it all as if it were no big deal.

I have been a father for 9 months now and I have seen an amazing example of what a mother's job looks like as I watch Emily basically workout all day picking up after, feeding, bathing, entertaining, and educating two little boys. I honestly cannot do the things she does, I am just not geared for it. She is amazing and God knew exactly when to give her our little miracles. This will be the first Mother's Day Emily can truly say she is a mother. This may be true but it doesn't take away the years when Mother's Day was the worst day of the year. We will rejoice on this day but also we will hurt for those of you who are still longing to be mothers. What an awkward day it is if you have experienced infertility. It seems like everywhere you turn, women are being congratulated for being able to have babies. I remember going to church by myself because Emily couldn't stand to be there when the pastor asked all the mothers to stand. I remember feeling the same way on Father's Day. I felt like the pastor said, "Any man who is successful stand, all other men who are not stay seated."  This idea sounds ridiculous to some of you who have never been there, but for those who have and are, you understand. This year I have thought alot about our feelings toward this day we label "Mother's Day" and have a newfound outlook.

We all have had a mother, at least for a second. Some people have had great mothers, some don't even know their biological mom. So is it the actual mother that should be the key focus of today or should it be how women make our world such a great place to live regardless of their title? Here is my point:

1) Women are God's most beautiful creation. He created them just for men. The earth was perfect when it was just Adam and Eve. Whether you are a mother or not, you are part of that beautiful creation.

2) Women complete men. God said that it was not good for man to be alone, so He created woman. He didn't create her as a mother initially, He created her as a woman and she was perfect. Whether you have kids now, will have kids later, or never have kids God created you perfectly as you were.

3) Women have a plan determined by God. The bible says we all have a plan. You don't have to be a mother to have a purpose. God's ulitmate plan is to bring us back to Him, you are part of that plan regardless of your season of life.

4) Today should be about celebrating life. The ultimate giver of life is God. He gives us our families regardless of how they are formed. Adoption, foster parents, half-brothers, relatives by marriage, there are many different ways to form a family and God is responsible for them all.  So today I want to celebrate the women who hold our families together. Whether you are a mom, daughter-in-law, wife, sister, friend or a just a daughter, thank you for what you do.  The qualities of a mother are in you all and God's plan looks different for everyone. You are His most perfect beautiful creation and today I celebrate you.  What a mess we men would make of this world if it weren't for you!

Where is God?!

 

As you all know by now, Emily and I began our battle through infertility in 2009. Through that journey there were many times when we felt like God was absent and inattentive to our problems.  We couldn't have been further from the truth. Throughout history times that looked bleak and as through God was removed from the situation have turned out to be stories of triumph. We decided to make ours a story of triumph as well, regardless of the outcome. In fact, the greatest story ever told centers around a group of people that thought God didn't show up. Here we are 2000 years later talking about the story that didn't go as anyone thought it would.  A holy man crucified mercilessly yet doing so voluntarily so that we can have hope, faith, true love and salvation. Crazy how our plans really just don't matter at all in the scheme of things, but that's exactly how it is supposed to be.

Robin Roberts challenged all of us to, "Make our mess our message" at the recent ESPY awards. What a powerful concept if we are able to look outside our circumstances to help and be helped. We all have a mess.  That mess may come masked as a variety of different problems but we all have at least one.  Andy Stanley, one of my favorite speakers, discusses these ideas and the times when we feel like God doesn't care in the video posted below.  You aren't alone. People have been struggling with the concept of God's presence for thousands of years...

 

Hang in There

 

Emily and I took another trip to the hospital last night.  Much less panic ensues which each episode, we know exactly what to pack and exactly where to go.  As I sat in the hospital helplessly watching the nurses check Emily and the boys' health I began to think back on our lives the past few years and the incredible life change that has happened.  We are amazed at where we are now. 

 

7 years ago, this month, Emily and I got married.  At that point I was in graduate school at Auburn University and dreams of working in professional sports were ahead.  I would have never guessed that we would currently be living in Smyrna, Tennessee, each have a Master's degree, living off one full-time salary, I would be working at a small private university that doesn't have football, and leading classes at our church.  That's because where we want ourselves isn't as important as where we are supposed to be.

 

Many times through our struggle to start a family we felt like we were just "hanging in there." We were so focused on just getting past where we were that we were missing crucial opportunities to help and serve others and to build relationships.  We believe that God has us where we are for a reason and that the past few years have been preparation for this moment. This moment, then, is preparing us for our future.  We struggle every day with "keeping up with the Jones'" and making more of ourselves.  It was when we decided to stop just "hanging in there" and began trying to make the most of whatever situation we are in that God blew us away.  I am amazed at how he has allowed me to influence people, not for how good I am, but for how good He is.  I am humbled to be married to a woman who gives credit to God in all circumstances.  When I know she is in pain and I know she is distraught, she is faithful.  This is where He wanted us all along, we were just too selfish to see it.

 

I also wanted to say thank you again to our HUGE support system.  We have been blessed beyond our wildest dreams by many of you.  Your prayers, cards, gifts, emails, texts, and words of encouragement and support have gotten us to where we are today.  Our hope is that we may be able to give the same help to you in your time of need. You have allowed us to use our situations for good. Community is a powerful thing if we would just begin to let others into our lives.  Our society tells us that we need to do whatever it takes to be successful and when times get tough, just hang in there.  God tells us that success is in Him alone, not in money, how many "friends" we have, possessions, or notoriety.  When times get tough ask Him to guide you and make the most of your situation, don't just hang in there. 

Antepartum

   Just wanted to update everyone who is a part of our journey. Emily is almost at 30 weeks and is at home on bed rest.  The past few weeks have been a roller coaster for us but just another chapter in the journey that we have waited to be on for some time now.  Emily's stay in the hospital was 2 weeks of cafeteria food sevice, scheduled baby monitoring and medications, wheelchair rides around the hospital (and even outside the last week), snacks, magazines, Netflix, and getting real comfortable with the nursing staff.  The staff was awesome though. They made us feel right at home, well as right at home as you can feel in a hospital room. They were all very sweet and I think Emily actually made a few friends.

Emily with her daily cafeteria lunch

I didn't have to eat the same food she did everyday, in fact eating in the cafeteria was usually more expensive than me going out to get something.  That was actually soemthing I looked forward to: going outside into the real world to get fresh air. Emily wasn't so lucky, she looked forward to ordering different foods off of the hospital menu. 
 

Emily holding on a baby monitor. They had both pink and blue straps but since we have 2 boys, one had to sacrifice.

When she was first admitted, Emily had to keep baby monitors on her belly at all times.  As she stabilized, she was permitted to be monitored twice daily, once in the morning and once at night.  This was a cool time for us as we got to hear the heartbeats often, loud and clear.  Those little guys moved around so much some days it could take up to 30 minutes to get both monitors to stay on at once.  Several times we could hear our neighbors monitors as well.  I wonder if the babies were communicating somehow...

 

 

Enjoying her first time in the Serenity garden. This place had small waterfalls, ponds, beautiful plants and scripture written all around.

After being confined to a hospital room for about 8 days, our doctor finally let me take Emily outside.  As you can tell from the picture, she enjoyed the 20 minute break very well.  It was a very serene place hidden downtown Nashville.  Pretty neat...
 

Im trying to hold down the fort as best I can. Cooking, "cleaning", mowing, doing little projects to get ready, reading books on what to expect if you are a clueless guy, the usual. We appreciate all the prayers and Emily appreciates the visits from you guys.  Now we are just in a waiting game.  This isn't the summer that we had envisioned, but God has really taken us to some awesome places so we are waiting in anticipation for the future.  Until next time...

Sadie likes having someone to lounge around with al the time. She just doesn't realize whats resting underneath her head...

"Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.”

Making plans in life always seems like a good idea.  It's thinking that our plans have some sort of authority that is humorous.  Many times when our plans don't succeed we worry. Emily and I sat in this very hospital 3 nights ago after she had a scary episode of bleeding that led us to discover she had placenta previa.  That day we were told that a previa at 26 weeks of pregnancy has little to no chance of moving.  We were told that Emily would probably experience at least one more episode and when that occurred she would be in the hospital until she delivered. Of course they couldn't give us a timetable on when that might happen. We decided to pray and ask others to pray that the placenta would move and that Emily would be able to carry the boys close to full term. Two nights later as Emily went to bed, it happened again. 

She lost alot of blood and I was there to see it all. The athletic trainer in me kicked in as I tried to manage her vital signs and clean up the area.  We called the on-call OBGyn and were told to get to Baptist Hospital if I thought Emily could make it. The doctor made sure to let me know that I needed to take her to a hospital that delivers babies if we couldn't make it to Baptist.  That is the comment that started my mind churning. I couldn't wrap my head around the idea that our boys could be delivered tonight.  How long would they be in intensive care? How far behind proper developmental progress would they be at this point? Many other questions poured into my already overwhelmed mind as we pulled into the parking garage.  I began to notice Emily losing color and getting faint.

They rushed her back into a room and began to draw more blood.  I was really nervous at this point because I had seen firsthand the amount of blood that she lost already.  The nurse let me know that they were drawing blood to send to the lab so that we would be ready for surgery.  The doctor on call let us know that the neo-natal specialist was on standby and the nursery was also ready.  Now my worrying was on high alert.  I had not even imagined when I woke up Thursday morning that I may have 2 little tiny premature babies to care for.  They gave Emily an IV and a medication to slow down her contractions just in time and she began to come around. 

One thing we learned is that the cervix contracts and reacts to blood.  When Emily bled, it moved through the cervix causing contractions.  The nurses advised us to have another ultrasound to check the cause of the bleeding.  We were pleasantly surprised to meet the same ultrasound tech that we had just 2 days prior.  She had been called in just for us.  She has no idea how much it meant to us when she told us that she was rushing in so that she could meet us at midnight.  After about 20 minutes of looking around she told us that the boys looked great and she would discuss the rest of her findings with the doctor.

When we talked to the doctor after the ultrasound she informed us that the placenta that was sitting on the cervix (the one that wouldn't move) had moved.  She said it was a miracle and not only had it moved but it had moved significantly!  This is where the bleeding had come from.  Emily stayed under constant observation throughout the night in the labor and delivery ward.  The following day we were transferred to antepartum and she was taken off of full time monitoring. Her doctor visited us and let us know that she wanted Emily to stay here in the hospital for at least a couple of weeks while she hopefully stabilizes. 

Today's lesson learned:

God can prove himself to us over and over but we, out of human ignorance, make it so hard to fully trust the next time something tough hits us.  I sit here in this room thinking about my worrying 24 long hours ago.  Not only is everything okay, but something that 4 days ago was "impossible" has been overcome.  I feel so ashamed.  I continually ask for God's help and He remains faithful.  It may not show up in the form I would prefer, but He is so so so faithful. When we worry, we are trying to control situations on our own.  As much as I say I'm not going to worry, there I was last night full of worry and what ifs?  My prayer tonight is that I would fully trust in the following verse:

Proverbs 19:21         

Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand.

***Emily is at Baptist Hospital in the mother and infant care unit on the 3rd floor, room 3206 for a couple weeks.

We are so touched by all the comments, tweets, texts and calls of encouragement. Emily is the toughest chick I know.  She has endured so much through this whole process.  Thank you for your prayers...

Update 5/15/13

Well, here we sit at Baptist Hospital. Just 2 days ago Emily was having her maternity photo session, a day she had dreamed about for years. Now we sit in an observation room a day after we rushed Emily to the hospital for bleeding. This is just another chapter in our journey to be parents.  As bleak as our situation looked yesterday, we understand that we are not in control.

We got here and they found both babies heartbeats. That relieved us both tremendously but still didn't explain the bleeding. She then was taken back for an ultrasound. Immediately our ultrasound tech (who was awesome) told us that Emily has a condition called placenta previa  (Explained here).  The premise of this condition is that one of the babies' placenta is covering the cervix causing bleeding.

 This bleeding can be harmful to the baby trying to get nutrients and also to Emily. The ultrasound showed that both boys are in perfect health and that everything else looks great. We are thankful for that. The doctor told us this morning that Emily needs to be on bedrest for the remainder of her pregnancy. No fun. 

We are grateful for all of the prayers and support. We realized this road was going to be a long hard road a few years ago, we just didn't know how hard. As we have said many times, God has used this situation to show us who He truly is. For that, regardless of our circumstances, we are eternally grateful. It's just another example of life. It is unfair, it is unexpected, it is short, but it is such an awesome gift. We are still learning to cherish each day. None of us are guaranteed another one. Thanks for loving us and supporting us. We will never be able to repay you but thank you from the bottom of our hearts. My lesson for the day is this:

Too often we try to figure God out. He exists outside our world, outside our science, outside our capabilities. God wants us to trust Him for who He is, not for who we want Him to be. That's why we call it faith. It doesn't make tough situations any easier to explain, it makes the explanation less important. If I believe that He created the world it is crazy of me not to trust Him in my daily problems. My lesson for today is to understand that I may never understand.

Now, if you know of any good movies, books, or shows that Emily might enjoy send them our way. We are hoping she has a couple months to relax...

1 Samuel 1:27

Learn about our infertility struggle here

   Everyone has their mess. That is a phrase that really stuck with me. As Emily and I have gone through the past 4 years, our mess has been infertility. It has been a challenge on many levels for us: emotionally, physically, spiritually, mentally, socially, and so on. We all have things in our lives that we struggle with, and for this season of our lives, it has been the struggle to start a family. I can only express to you but can't make you truly understand the true emotions of this struggle unless you have been through it yourself, much like my lack of true understanding for what someone with a terminal disease goes through. We have spent the last almost 4 years feeling awkward, angry, confused, discouraged, sad, and happy. It has been a rollercoaster that we can't seem to get off.


   We appreciate the sensitivity that has been shown to us, but are also sad at the relationships that have changed drastically because of our situation. Whenever something doesn't go our way in life, it is easy for us to shut down and wait for it to pass. I'm as guilty of this as anyone. This blog has been an attempt to change that. We have many friends with kids who just don't seem to have much in common with a couple without kids. We can't relate in those conversations that are centered around the crazy things the kids did this week and how they are the center of your world. The most uncomfortable moments are those that happen when no one has any idea that you are struggling. It seems like not a day has gone by when someone has asked me a question along the lines of, "when are y'all gonna start popping some kids out?" As if it is just that simple for everyone. We were at a friend’s house one night and had a random girl say, "I can't even let my husband touch me without getting pregnant!" Those are the shots to the gut and the things that can reduce your optimism to nothing.


   There is no perfect thing to say, no magic words to write but we have come to realize that our mess is just like everyone else's. Everyone has insecurities, shortcomings, failures, and weaknesses. We are all human and life happens to every single one of us. There is no way we can all be perfectly sensitive to each unique circumstance. What we can do is care for others as Christ cares for us. I can't give hope to someone battling with drug abuse, but God can. I can't promise eternal Joy after someone has lost a loved one, but God can. I can't give unconditional unsurpassed love to someone that they can't explain after terrible things have happened to them in their past, but God can. Our goal should be to demonstrate those attributes as best as we humanly can while pointing people to the ultimate giver of hope and love.

 

   Emily and I thought a long time about whether to open up and share our story. We prayed about and discussed the embarrassment, the privacy, people opposed to the idea, public hurt, and disappointment but felt led to share. We are so glad that we did. Our journey has put us in contact with so many wonderful people who are now a part of our lives. We have met other couples who have struggled and are currently struggling with infertility that put a whole new perspective on our problems. We have been overwhelmed with the financial, prayerful, emotional and verbal support from so many people that will we will never be able to thank you enough for. We are so excited to tell our children that so many of our friends, family, and people we didn't even know made it possible for them to be here.

 

 










 

(1 Samuel 1:27)

   Emily had her first ultrasound January 2 and it was visibly confirmed to us that there are children (plural) on the way! She is only about 9 weeks along and there is still a long way to go, but we wanted to share our news and ask for your continued prayers for the well-being of our tiny little miracles. (Emily does have a subchorionic hemorrhage so please be praying for that to go away!) There is so much discussion on when to "announce". We are over it. God blessed us through many friends, family and strangers making us realize that the suport we have received is something we want around us always, regardless of circumstances. We do not know gender yet, but do know that there are two. Now as happy as we are, our hearts still break for couples who, like us, are having a tough time trying to start a family of their own.


   Finally, I wanted to say a word to anyone currently going through a struggle. If that struggle is infertility, please talk to us. We understand how hard the baby announcements, the baby bump pictures, the Facebook apps that tell everyone your baby is the size of walnut, Christmases with the kids running around, and talk of babies everywhere can be. If your struggle is something else, give it to God. He can offer so much more than any therapist, anonymous meeting, Dr. Phil, or any other earthly resource could ever offer. God has used our situation to bring us closer to Him. It wasn't the way I wanted, but that is the important part. We got to the place of full surrender and full trust in His plan that we were nowhere near 4 years ago.


   Anyone around me lately knows I have adopted "I am Second" as my life's motto. I have challenged myself to truly live second in as many areas of my life as I can. I challenge you to do the same. Amazing things happen when God shows up.

Bittersweet Mother's Day

   Today is a bittersweet but different day….It’s Mother’s Day. As I woke up this morning I felt overjoyed. Today is a day I can actually celebrate being a mother. Then again, I think back to 4 years ago, especially last year, when I dreaded this day, cried tears of pain, skipped church due to all the Mother’s being acknowledged as I stayed seated and had so many questions as to why I had to go through this agony.  

   I say this day is bittersweet because I celebrate the miracles God has given us while at the same time my heart hurts and always will ache for my those who yearn to become mothers and experience the same emotions I felt on Mother’s Day. As I cried today, I cried tears of joy and tears of pain. Infertility, as we have said before, is something no one will understand unless you have walked the path. Days like Mother’s and Father’s Day are very difficult. I remember years of being in church and seeing all the Mother’s stand and be honored. My heart broke as I longed to stand. Today was different…I was able to stand but was hesitant as I thought about other women sitting around me. I remember that feeling of emptiness and longing to stand and say “I’m a mom.” As I stood today, tears fell as I placed my hand on my belly, prayed and thanked God for the 2 miracles he has allowed me to carry. As I held Jared’s hand I was overwhelmed by emotions.

  Jared read me an article this morning about a woman who longed to be a mother. She sent this letter to a pastor regarding the acknowledgment of mothers in church on Mother’s Day. Tears swelled up as he read it to me. We know Pastors have good intentions but a woman should be acknowledged in every way, not just because she is a mother. The author encouraged church's to recognize women as follows : 

To those who gave birth this year to their first child—we celebrate with you, To those who lost a child this year – we mourn with you, To those who are in the trenches with little ones every day and wear the badge of food stains – we appreciate you, To those who experienced loss through miscarriage, failed adoptions, or running away—we mourn with you, To those who walk the hard path of infertility, fraught with pokes, prods, tears, and disappointment – we walk with you. Forgive us when we say foolish things. We don’t mean to make this harder than it is, To those who are foster moms, mentor moms, and spiritual moms – we need you, To those who have warm and close relationships with your children – we celebrate with you, To those who have disappointment, heart ache, and distance with your children – we sit with you, To those who lost their mothers this year – we grieve with you, To those who experienced abuse at the hands of your own mother – we acknowledge your experience, To those who lived through driving tests, medical tests, and the overall testing of motherhood – we are better for having you in our midst, To those who are single and long to be married and mothering your own children - we mourn that life has not turned out the way you longed for it to be, but we know that God has amazing plans for you, To those who step-parent - we walk with you on these complex paths, To those who envisioned lavishing love on grandchildren, yet that dream is not to be - we grieve with you, To those who will have emptier nests in the upcoming year – we grieve and rejoice with you ,To those who placed children up for adoption – we commend you for your selflessness and remember how you hold that child in your heart And to those who are pregnant with new life, both expected and surprising –we anticipate with you.

   As I end this entry, I encourage everyone who is a mother to be sensitive to others on days like today. You never know what another woman is going through or what kind of burden she is carrying. There can sometimes be a heavy burden hiding behind a simple smile. I know it is the polite thing to say “Happy Mother’s Day” to women but I remember that feeling when I heard those words and wanted to say….”I’m not a mom, thanks for reminding me that I’m not.” I encourage women who are waiting to start their families to remember these verses:

 Cast all your cares and anxieties and worries on him, for he cares for you affectionately and cares about you watchfully. 1 Peter 5: 7

Thank God in everything no matter what the circumstance may be, be thankful and give him thanks for this is the will of God for you who are in Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 5:18

Come to me all who labor and are heavy laden and overburdened and I will cause you to rest. I will ease and relieve and refresh your souls. Take my yoke upon you and learn of me, for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your souls. Matthew 11: 28-29

Suffer for something

 

 There are times in our lives when things don't seem fair.  Suffering in our lives takes all different shapes and none of them seem to be easy.  As Emily and I suffered through years of not being able to have children our hearts were constantly heavy.  I looked alot of places for what the purpose of human suffering might be.  I realize that our trial is nothing in comparison to what many people face on a daily basis.  I also realize that the only place I found any hope was in the Bible. 

   When we suffer we have a choice to make.  We can try to figure out how not to hurt on our own or we can turn to a proven method.  As I researched suffering in books and online, I found that most people turn to material things (money, drugs, alcohol, stuff) to cover up their hurt only giving them a false, temporary sense of relief. Drugs wear off, alcohol leaves your body, and things wear down.  I continued to read about people who turn to "self help" books and self-determination I also began to listen to people's stories.  The more I listened the more it became perfectly clear that people who go through trials and surrender their lives to Jesus just seem happier and more content.  I wondered why I had never realized this before.  In my short existence on this earth, I have never truly doubted the existence of a creator.  I had not, however, put together the fact that people who try to figure life's struggles out on their own always seem to hit a wall in the end. On the other hand people who live for a life focused outwardly many times go to their graves singing the goodness of God smiling and fulfilled.  I recently read 1 Peter 4 which includes the following encouraging words:


Dear friends, don’t be surprised at the fiery trials you are going through, as if something strange were happening to you. Instead, be very glad—for these trials make you partners with Christ in his suffering, so that you will have the wonderful joy of seeing his glory when it is revealed to all the world. But it is no shame to suffer for being a Christian. Praise God for the privilege of being called by his name! So if you are suffering in a manner that pleases God, keep on doing what is right, and trust your lives to the God who created you, for he will never fail you. (1 Peter 4:12, 13, 16, 19 NLT)

   If we are living our lives sold out to the One who created us, our suffering has a purpose.  Our suffering has a reason.  We are "suffering in a manner that pleases God." If we are living daily to benefit ourselves, our suffering many times becomes a burden that we spend the rest of our lives trying to cover up.  Give it up. 

   We still struggle everyday.  Our future is likely to hold even more, but one key thing our future also holds is hope. God showed Emily and I that regardless of the outcome of our situation, He will make good out of it.  We have hope that whatever happens will be used to show how good God is, not how good we are.  My encouragement to you is that regardless of what you are going through, you can have that same hope.  It doesn't remove struggles and it doesn't remove pain, but it enables our suffering count for something.  He will never fail you (those are His words.)

Boy oh Boy, God is Faithful!

Our sweet sister-in-law, Holly White, threw us a gender reveal party.  We had some of our family over to find out what the gender of each of our babies was.  Holly did an awesome job with making it suspenseful.  We each got to choose a mustache or a set of lips based on which gender we thought the babies were. 

(Our nephew Cade guessed girls...) 

Holly and Emily

 

      

After that, Holly gave us each a black balloon.  She said that each balloon was either filled with all blue, all pink, or a mix of both.  We all popped our balloons at the same time and here is how it went...

 

 

 

Emily: "Looks like I'm still the queen bee!"
Jared: "2 boys!!! The Man Cave is here to stay!!!!"
 

MORE PICS TO COME...

Story Time

 

We all have a story to tell. So why do we so often let the opportunity go by to share our struggle with someone else? Fear of rejection, pride, low self esteem, selfishness, and apathy all top the long list of possible reasons. I never told my story. In fact, I didn't think I had a story. Alot of people feel the same way. "I have no life experience, nothing crazy has ever happened to me. I feel inferior to people who have life-altering stories." Cool things happen to people, just as often as bad things do. I believe that it is up to us to make our stories worth telling.

 

Before I go too far, I do think there is a difference between a story worth telling and a story that isn't. I argue, however, that that difference is you. Emily and I spent four years battling infertility, but we weren't alone. Many couples face the exact same issue daily, some for even far longer than we. One of the most prevalent issues that I see college kids face is dealing with parents who get divorced. Many broken homes, broken hearts and broken stories. Some kids come out on one side of divorce with anger, resentment and an "I’ll-show-them attitude." Others come out confused, lonely, feeling unloved and not sure how to cope. Similar situation, completely different story.

 

This is where the true story is told. "Life happened, but then..." Some of the greatest stories are the ones we hear on primetime news specials or that go viral on the internet. Stories like the surfer girl who lost her arm but continues to surf and smile now. A family who lost everything in a natural disaster but the community rallied around them and provided them with a new life. These are stories of determination, of love, of overcoming. Think about if all of these stories had just stopped with "Life Happened." The point I am attempting to make is that life happens to us all; some good, some bad. It is up to us to help finish the story.

 

We are all created unique but not exclusive. We are all different but all have the same basic outline: birth, life, death. I heard someone speak once about the "dash." Asking, "what will your dash be?" The dash was a reference to the dash that goes on our gravestone in between our first day of life and our last. We may not all be born into the same set of circumstances, but we all have the ability to do the best with what we have. That is your story. How will you contribute to the lives of the people around you in your short time on this earth?

 

As humans, we are born ignorant and most of us have a really hard time shaking that as we get older. When life happens, many times we try to toughen up and handle it ourselves. I know from personal experience that this strategy leads to a terrible story. It wasn't until I realized that to make my story worth telling, I couldn't make it about me. That's our choice. The good and the bad in our lives can all help someone. I truly believe that we go through things in this life sometimes not to benefit us at all, but for someone else. It is up to us to share our experiences, struggles, concerns, and thoughts so that when others face those same times, they have hope and encouragement.

 

God gives us life and He gives us opportunities.  He also gives us free will to either realize that He is in control of our "dash" or remain ignorant. Your choice.

 

Doctors Visits

 

January 2: first ultrasound at NFC. Saw twins and heard the heartbeats. 132 and 134. Both babies looked perfect in size. Today I am 6 weeks 6 days

1/2/13

January 16: 2nd ultrasound at NFC. Both babies are growing at 20.8 and 21.8. Today I am 8 weeks 6 days. I have a small hemorrhage that caused some bleeding but should go away on its own. After this visit I am released to my OB at Baptist Hospital in Nashville.

1/16/13

January 30: Saw my OB for the first time. A new chapter! Today I am 11 weeks. Babies look great. Heartbeats were 174 and 183. We saw some hand motion on the relaxed baby and alot of moving from the active one. They have grown tremendously. The hemorrhage is no longer there!
 

1/30/13

 

 

February 27: Today was our second ultrasound with our OB. Today was going to be a big day as we could possibly find out the gender of both babies. Well..... we were able to determine the gender. (Check out "reveal party" here) Today's ultrasound was different. I was able to lay down and watch the ultrasound on a screen on the wall. What miracles we saw. Today they weighed 4 oz about the size of a half of a can. Their heartbeats were both 157 which they said was rare but very cool. How unique! Both babies were very active today and measured perfect. We were able to see the spine, feet, legs, hear the heartbeat and see it beating, we saw their arms and little hands move. I also noticed a little pug nose. Dr. Crowe said everything looked perfect. The babies are now positioned beside one another. 

 

"Baby A"

2/27/13

 

"Baby B"

2/27/13

 

March 25, 2013 (19weeks): Ultrasound was very short today. The boys are growing and heart rates looked good. They are still growing on track. They did not move alot during this ultrasound today. But it's always so exciting and surreal to see them each appointment.

 

 

 

April 8, 2013 (20 1/2 weeks): Today's ultrasound was very long as we had the anatomy scan and I had my glucose test. The anatomy scan took an hour and a half only because baby A decided to not be still so the nurse could check his profile. By almost 2 hours she stopped and will try next appt since baby A wouldn't cooperate, however, he did give us a wave. They have grown so much. Right when the nurse began to scan on the monitor and right off I noticed baby B is a thumb sucker. As I know this is a bad habit, I was so thrilled to see his precious thumb in his mouth as I was a thumb sucker. Baby A seemed to be performing acrobats in his picture. Both weigh 14 oz and are measuring perfectly. Right now I am only feeling flutters that feel somewhat like butterflies in my stomach and tiny small kicks every now and then. Today was also special as my mother and father-in-law were able to see their grand babies. It was a special moment for them. I was so glad they were able to see the boys. Jeff (father-in-law) made the comment while looking at the monitor, " how can anyone say there is no God as we gaze at these 2 miracles?" I do wonder the same thing. It's so incredible how God designed a woman's body to carry his child or children. It truly is miraculous. Everyday I thank God for allowing me to feel the 2 lives he's blessed Jared and I with. I've longed to feel what a miracle feels like and am so thankful God has entrusted me with his children.

 

May 1, 2013 (23 1/2 weeks)
Today was just a routine check-up. My ultrasound was taken upstairs with the Fetal medicine Group to get a better look at where my placenta is. The ultrasound showed my placenta is still covering my cervix completely. Our prayer is that the placenta moves. The US tech did another anatomy scan of the boys. Aiden weighs 1.8 and Taylor weighs 1.7 and both look great! Dr. Crowe was pleased at their weight as they both individually weigh as much as a single baby.

 

 

Baby A-Aiden

Baby B-Taylor

 

May 30, 2013 (28 weeks)

Before I was released from the hospital, I had another ultrasound.  These are the pictures from that US. Everything looked great and the babies measured 2.6 and 2.9oz. (Average weight for a baby at this stage is 2.22oz.) We are thrilled that they are healthy and growing!

 

 

 

Hope for A Family.

Mother's/Father's Day

  
(Hit play on the video first)


   Emily and I are having our first ever (and prayerfully last) embryo transfer tomorrow.  As excited as we are about finally being to this point in our journey, we are hesitant to get overly optimistic.  We have received such encouragement from so many people but some very touching words over the past 24 hours.  Some very special people, whom we have come into contact with through our infertility journey, both reminded us that regardless of the outcome from this IVF cycle tomorrow, at least for a little while, we will be parents to our own little babies.  I had never really thought about it like that before.  What an awesome thought!  We know that (one way or another) we will be parents someday but tomorrow we celebrate our own Mother's/Father's Day.

We understand that regardless of what happens in the future, God has transformed both of our lives and taken us to a place of 100% reliance on Him.  I pray that everyone who reads this can come to this place easier than we did, but know that it is a place full of peace, hope, safety, and more love than any earthly child could ever bring to our lives. 

The song in the video below has been one of our anchors.  A line that we have clung to says, "You are everything you've promised, your faithfulness is true."  The name of the song is "Waiting Here For You" and couldn't more accurately describe the past 3+years for us.  Beleiving that there is a reason for the bad times isn't easy but man is it powerful! We appreciate any prayers that you can give us over the next few weeks but we know that God hasn't taken us to this place to abandon us.  In a year from now, babies or no babies, He will be first.  I pray that if anyone is reading this now and struggling/searching/waiting for something of your own that you stop pretending that you can handle it on your own.  Trust me, I tried...

 

 

 

What to do?

I wanted to give an update on our infertility status.  After we were prompted to cancel our first IVF cycle, because the medications didn't work like the doctor wanted them to, we were frustrated and had a hard time deciding what to do next.  We aren't getting the money that we spent on Emily's first round of medications back but we still have a majority of the funds left for the IVF cycle itself.  We decided that we would do another cycle now based on what the doctor told us concerning Emily's endometriosis growing back.  I have posted about how difficult the Holidays are for us and we were glad that our IVF cycle was scheduled to by done (one way or another) by the end of October.  Now, it seems that we will get the news about 2 weeks before Christmas.  Another addition to the roller coaster that we have been on for over 3 years.  I ran across an article that I wish I could share with everyone that knows our situation.  It is written by a woman who was unable to have children herself and has now adopted but it covers the "What to do" concerning infertile couples.  Honestly, I think we could all use a "What to do" on issues that would help us to treat others as they want to be treated.  Anyhow, the link is here: (http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html). 


As far as where we are now, if I am being honest, we are exhausted.  I know Emily is tired of the injections (4 a day), I am tired of waiting, we are worn out from the "What if's", and are really tired of people feeling sorry for us.  Infertility is no fun.  We have decided that we will go through with this cycle and be done with fertility treatments.  In Psalms 38 David cries out to God saying "I am completely exhausted and crushed...You know what I long for Lord...I am waiting for you Lord, You must answer me...Come quickly..."  I know David wasn't crying out because he wanted his wife to get pregnant but I really related to his honest, heartfelt cries.  I also relate with the following chapter, verse 7, when he says "Lord, where do I put my hope? My only hope is in you."  Wow.  What amazing faith!  David went through alot but what I love most about him is that he was honest with God.  We can learn alot from his life.  Too many times I feel like God has put a burden on us and walked away.  I think He wants us to be honest with Him.  Its okay to tell Him how you feel but know that He will never leave us or forsake us (Hebrews 13:5).  I am so thankful for how God has strengthened our faith through this journey.  I am also grateful for how so many people have supported us for so long now.  Please pray for us over the next few weeks that regardless of the outcome, God will get glory.  Thank you for taking the time to read this and to try to understand a bit more.  If there is any way that we can help you or encourage you please let us know.  

Belly Pics

Look at 'em grow...

 

9 Weeks

 

12 Weeks

 

14 Weeks

18 Weeks

 20 Weeks

22 Weeks

24 weeks

May 12, 2013-26 Weeks

28 Weeks (taking a break from bedrest)

 

32 Weeks

 

 

9/23 Update

    

 

Life seems so much easier when things are going your way doesn't it? Emily and I have had quite the roller coaster of a week.  I'm currently writing this on a plane headed to Mexico with 2 guys from our church to plan mission trips for small groups to Playa Del Carmen, Mexico.  I have been praying for several years now that God would use me to go anywhere that He needed me to go and this opportunity came out of no where. I don't know what will come of this but I do that He has put me on this plane for a reason. One hour prior to boarding, Emily called me to give me her second update this week from the fertility clinic. She was scheduled to get an evaluation to see how ready she was for next week's egg retrieval.  We thought that this visit was basically to tell us whether or not she needed more medication to stimulate her through the weekend or not.  

     Rewind 5 days prior. We were having a yard sale to help raise money for our treatments. We prayed that the money we raised would cover most of the cost of the medications. We raised a total of $500 from items that our friends had given us to sell.  Emily's medications totaled $3500 and we were still $3000 short of that number.  We received a phone call the very next day that some members of my parents church in Kentucky had given us $2000 and we got another gift the following totaling $1100!!! God had provided, through the generosity of others, the entire amount we needed!  We were on a high and couldn't wait to see what God had in store for us this week. Just before I boarded my plane Emily called with some bad news, the clinic has decided that she did not have enough follicles stimulated to produce a good number of eggs which would give us low chances of success if we moved forward.  They recommended that we stop our IVF cycle and try a different stimulation plan later.  Crushed. We are both crushed.  Why wouldn't God use that awesome opportunity for His glory right now?!

 

     There are so many verses that I could use but Jeremiah 29:11 is the one I have clung to.  God has plans for us, plans for ALL of us. Plans to give us hope and a future. The main thing I have to stay focused on is that this future is for His glory, not mine, not Emily's, not our children's.  We all have things happen to us that we may never understand.  We must use those circumstances in our lives for good and not dwell on things we can't control.  If your happiness comes from your circumstances you will always be disappointed.  If your joy comes from Christ, it will sustain you through those rough patches.  Today, I am thankful for the process and thankful for the awesome life that I have been given with so many chances to tell people about what it really means to have Joy.  Thank you all for your prayers and support.  If we can help you in any way, please let us know.

 

 

The weight of "wait"

  

 

 One thing that I have never been very good at is waiting.  Some of my pet peeves are focused around waiting.  I get very impatient if I have to wait in line behind more than 2 people in a checkout line, when I know something is being shipped to me, and when I'm traveling.  There is nothing I can do to speed up any of these scenarios.  In fact, if I try to impose my own will in these situations there is a good chance that I will slow the process down.  Any of you who have ever had to wait on something for an extended period of time know what I am talking about. 

   Emily and I have been in a holding pattern of sorts for several years now.  We have tried many different routes of pregnancy with each one requiring us to wait several weeks for results.  After an IUI, we have to wait 2 weeks until Emily can take a pregnancy test, if that is negative we have to wait another 2 weeks until we can try again.  We have been through this cycle 3 times.  Now that we have begun IVF treatments the waiting is much longer.  First we wait for Emily's cycle to start, then we wait until the nurse instructs us to begin medications, then we wait until she goes in for diagnostic testings.  This is as far as we have gotten.  We will start that process over again this week.  As we have come to find out, trying to do things on our schedule has become laughable.  I have written previously about our difficult Christmas after we had been trying to start a family for a year.  We now are faced with the end of our IVF cycle being just before Christmas this year.  What exciting news if we are expecting at that time but what a crappy way to start another holiday season if we aren't. 

   Scriptures say that the Lord is good to those who wait (Lam 3:25). I can personally attest to this. He has blessed Emily and I beyond our wildest dreams.  Not with children, not with money, but with health, family, true Joy, great friends, and a strong relationship centered around Him.  I read recently that God's plan is ongoing and if we are seeking His will daily we should trust that He has us exactly where He wants us even if we think we are going no where.  A harsh reality of life is that we go through things that we may never get an explanation for and being a Christ follower doesn't make those crappy times go away. For us, waiting around to start a family (however that happens) is no fun.  The constant holding pattern is a heavy load but is only heavier if we try to carry it ourselves.  Some people wait for healing, a mate, an answer, a break, whatever that wait is, trust that it is part of a greater plan.

    I like to look at God like an undefeated coach of a team, He will give you everything you need to win the game, you just have to play and trust in His gameplan.  Once you start doing things like questioning the play calling, your equipment, what the media said, how big your opponent is and things like that you are destined to fail.  A good gameplan finishes with a win regardless of what some of the plays looked like or the margin of victory.  Trust God for the win in your life regardless of how long you wait for it.  If you are just playing for fun, whats the point when the game is over?

Calendar Round 1

This is a way for us to let you know exactly what we are doing when we do it. The IVf procedure has many, many layers to it and we wanted everyone to be able to go through this journey with us as much as possible. It is around a 55 day process...

July 27, 2012- Bloodwork prerequisites
-these tests let the doctors know if we had any communicable diseases as well as if anything that we hadn't seen yet might affect the IVF process

August 8, 2012- IVF Class
-this class is an informative requirement prior to our IVF procedure. We will learn specifics about our procedure and get a timetable for what to expect

August 20, 2012- And so it begins...
-today is the first official day of our IVF plan. Emily spoke with our nurse and she has given us a calendar with much more specific dates. We will try to start posting ahead of time.

August 22-29 2012- Begin Medications
-we were both placed on an antibiotic to rid our bodies of any possible infection that we may be carrying as we move forward. Emily was also placed on birth control (odd, we know) to decrease cysts that may form on her ovaries and also to regulate her cycle so that the clinic can more accurately predict when we are ready for certain steps

(Emily will have all of these medications ingested or injected by the 2nd week of October!)

September 2nd- Begin Lupron Injections
-Emily started Lupron injections which work to supress stimulation of her ovaries so that she isn't over stimulated when that time comes. I give her a shot each morning for a few weeks...

September 12th- Supression check, pelvic ultrasound, trial embryo transfer, more bloodwork...
-this is our first visit to the clinic since we have started the process. Emily will have a pelvic ultrasound to see how things look, have bloodwork to check her estrogen levels, and have a trial embryo transfer which allows the doctors to determine the best way to implant the embryos when that time comes. They use this technique to "map" the path that will ultimately be most successful for the actual embryo transfer...

September 15th- Hormone shots and restrictions...
-I (Emily) began taking the FSH hormone Bravelle twice a week along with the lupron shot for a total of 3 shots a day.The Bravelle stimulates multiple ovarian follicles. This is the lovely hormone that will increase my ovary size to a grapefruit. I cannot lift over 10 pds and can only do light walking. I'm also taking an oral medication called Dexamethasone. This improves the ovarian response to hyperstimulation.It's a type of steroid.

September 21-Stimulation check, bloodwork and bad news...
-I went in for a stimulation check to see how many follicles I had that could produce eggs for next weeks egg retrieval. I only had 4 follicles the size that they wanted and they recommend having 5 or more to move forward with the IVF cycle. We were advised to cancel this current cycle and start medications over again when my cycle begins. More shots, more time, but also more stories. God is faithful.