I wrote this post in December of 2011. It gives a good background to how we got to where we are. Please comment or ask questions below.
Last year was a tough Christmas for Emily and me. We have been trying to start a family for a couple of years now but last year's holidays put us over the one mark. It marked a year full of hope that had fizzled into frustration and disappointment. Many of you cannot relate with the pain of infertility but those who can know that it is a deep ache that never seems to go away. The feeling is similar to losing a loved one, only as time goes on the hurt seems to deepen rather than to heal. One of the toughest things for me has been having no guarantees that we will ever have a child. Having patience is hard enough when you know you are going to receive something but being patient for something that is uncertain can drive you crazy. I didn't allow myself to enjoy Christmas as much last year because the gift I really wanted was something I didn't have. My hope seemed to die a bit more with each birthing announcement we received, every new Facebook sonogram profile picture, and with news stories on TV about children being mistreated. It seemed the more I thought about it, the more people wanted to ask us questions like: "When are you guys gonna have some little ones?!" or "Do y'all not want kids?" Meanwhile it seemed like anyone else who wanted to have kids just said the word and a stork was dropping one off at their door 9 months later. For the first time in my life, I wasn't having things go the way I thought they should and it was killing me.
As we spent our holidays doing our usual, I couldn't help but notice that it seemed the baby population had at least tripled since the previous Christmas. You know how you don't really notice a car until you get one, then you feel like everyone else has the exact same one? Well, wanting children apparently makes you ultra aware of any human being under the age of 3. That Christmas was full of selfish feelings and was followed by many more self loathing days thereafter. All the while I prayed asking God, "Why?" with most of my prayers having the word "but" in them. It is one thing to say you trust God it is another to truly place ALL of your trust in Him regardless of his response.
When the angel of the Lord appeared to Mary and told her that although she was a virgin she was going to have a son, that son being Jesus Christ, I tend to think the initial thoughts that went through her head were just like any of ours would be. She thought of what others would say, how this would affect her personally, and how her clothes would fit differently from the weight gain (she was a female after all). What she didn't do however was simply say that she trusted God fully, she actually did trust God fully. Imagine if you heard that a girl was a virgin and was going to have a child. I don't know too many fathers that would be really happy with that news of their daughter. I can only imagine what her family, friends, and peers thought and said about her. But her belief that God had a plan for her life superseded everything else around her. She knew that whatever God was up to was the best plan for everyone, even if she didn't immediately see it.
Speaking of not seeing it, Joseph was blindsided! Now the angel of the Lord tells him that Mary is pregnant and he is to be the baby's earthly father. He had a huge decision to make! I'm not sure how he thought he would explain this to Mary's dad but I know the thought of having that conversation would be enough to make any man run. Joseph had to trust that the things that were happening to him had a purpose and God had him exactly where he wanted him. Despite what his buddies thought, what his family said, what the community thought of him, Joseph decided to man up and place all of his trust in God.
Our journey through the past couple of years has shown us many things. Besides patience, and patience ....and patience we have learned what it means to fully trust God. I have believed all along that if God wanted to put 8 babies on my couch right now, He could. That wasn't my problem. My problem was that I wanted Him to give me what I thought I deserved regardless of what He was trying to do in my life. What I have learned more than anything is that I need to get rid of my agenda and trust that God's plan for my life, kids or no kids, is the best plan for me. The only thing I can control is what I do. He has placed me in this situation for a reason and although I don't know what the future holds, I know that I have a choice to make an impact for Him or selfishly live a mediocre life.
I really wanted to write this blog with an ending that included us being pregnant but that's not my story yet. I actually bargained with God and told Him that if He would give us a child I would use that perfect ending to our story to help others in similar situations. Just because that's not my story, doesn't mean my story can't help someone. 1 Peter 5:8 tells us that Satan prowls around like a lion seeking anyone that he can devour. He was using our situation to make me angry, full of doubt, and afraid to talk to anyone. My story now is a story of peace. Regardless of what you are going through in your life whether it be marriage problems, job insecurity, financial troubles, illness or infertility, it isn't until you give God complete control that you will have peace. Where would we be today if Mary or Joseph decided that the plan they had laid out for themselves was better than God's? I am ready to enjoy Christmas surrounded by the people and the things that God has blessed me with abundantly. May this Christmas be your best ever and may the peace that comes only from a relationship with Jesus Christ comfort you this season.
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