Why?

This is an earlier post that I wrote. It is the foundation of this blog.  Thanks for reading.

When a loved one dies, when natural disasters occur, when you fail the test you felt so prepared to take, times like these are the easiest times to ask "why?" and the hardest times to think logically. I have been inundated with "why?" moments lately from many different angles in my life. As humans it is our very nature to question things. We start from a very early age with questions like,"why are we going there?" or "why does that work?" That is how we learn as children. Many times that is how we learn as adults too, only we learn the hard way. The question of Why is extremely basic in nature yet very complex at its core. I want to look into one of the most commonly used questions of Why in our society today and give my perspective on it. That question is: Why do bad things happen?


When I was 8 years old one of the most special people in my life was taken away from me. My grandfather passed away of a heart attack at the young age of 65. I was too young to think logically about the reasons for his death and was far too immature to understand how death even made any sense. I can still remember when the news was given to me at church after our morning service. I went home and cried, yelled, and screamed a God who was supposed to give me everything I wanted not take it away. It was my first true battle with Why?


As I have gotten older many more situations have occurred in my life that left me asking, "Why?" Seeing people struggle with addiction, trying to be accepted, failed relationships, hurt, betrayal, tragedy, sickness, death and whatever else life throws our way is hard for most of us to deal with. Most recently Emily and I have encountered the most challenging "Why?" we have ever faced, not being able to have a child. God has been really good to us and blessed us with plenty to be thankful for. So as we began thinking about starting a family several years ago I assumed God would fit that in right on my schedule where I had told Him to. Not the case. Our Why began to grow...Why can't we have kids easily? Why can other people have them SO easily? Why does a couple that seems so fit for a child of their own begin to feel so inadequate? Why won't you give us a child NOW?!


I began searching as most of us do when we get to our Why moments in life and I came to the same fork in the road I always had: choose to lose hope, remain bitter, and continue to question OR trust that God has a plan for my life that is better than the one I tried to fit Him into. For the first time in a long time, I opted for His plan.


I ran across this verse several times as I tried to search for answers in the Bible. It has essentially become the answer to my Why


And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose (Romans 8:28 ESV).


The good news is we are all called according to His purpose. We have all heard "Everything happens for a reason." I have come to believe that although every bad thing that happens to us may not have a specific purpose, our cumulative experiences are all an equation for God's ultimate goal for our lives. Another thing I have realized is that amidst trying times, God is still there and as hard as it seems to realize, He wants to know us far more than He wants us to know the answers to all of our questions. That is the essence of Christianity. Trust in a God that will never let you down, regardless of your "Why's?"


I now see how the foundation that my grandfather left for me makes me aspire to do more with my life. Emily and I are on a different map from the one we were on several years ago, but now I realize we were using the wrong map. I don't know what lies ahead for me but for the first time ever in my life, I am at full peace with that. It seems like I have been surrounded by many people in various situations recently who are asking the same question under different circumstances. I shared this to let you know, among my skepticism and questions, I am proof that asking a real God to show Himself to you rather than asking Him "Why?" every time something doesn't go according to your plan may take you off your course, but will ultimately get you on the course you were supposed to be on all along. Regardless of your situation there is hope. Not hope in the form of an answer but rather hope in a God who created you and has a specific plan for you to fulfill.

*For anyone who cares to know where Emily and I are now, our update is below:


We still have a desire to have our own child. We feel like God has given us that desire and until He changes that or shows us that it isn't possible, we are going to do everything we can to make that happen. It looks like the fertility clinic will be seeing more of us in the near future. We have been asked many times about adoption and are absolutely not shutting the door on that option but neither of us feel like we are being called to do that at this time. If an IVF (google or ask us) is in our future, we will have to do some grassroots fundraising. One thing about fertility treatments and adoptions are that as ready as you can be for a child, you also must be able to afford what equals the price of a new car. We trust fully that whatever God has in store for us, He will follow through on. Finally, the topic of infertility is a bit awkward to bring up in conversation but we are COMPLETELY willing to talk about it with anyone. Too many people stay silent about their struggles and we want to try and change that. If you want to know anything about our situation or are going through something similar, please ask/share. We know how difficult and overwhelming it can be, especially when Facebook seems to turn into a baby scrapbook or people just don't seem to understand. Thanks for your prayers and support!

Real Peace

I wrote this post in December of 2011.  It gives a good background to how we got to where we are.  Please comment or ask questions below.    

Christmas is a special time of year for most people. We get to take a break from our normal routines and spend time with friends and family justifying eating far too much and reflecting on the year. We stress out over what gifts to get everyone and try to please all the people we can, many times for the wrong reasons. We are also reminded to remember the "reason for the season": the birth of Jesus, which is the true meaning of Christmas. This year I have decided to spend some time looking at the story of Christmas from the perspective of Jesus' parents, Mary and Joseph. The more I thought about the story from their point of view, I began to realize just how amazing their stories were and found solace from their Christmas journey. Their faith in God's plan is an extremely inspiring story and that makes this Christmas much more special to me.

Last year was a tough Christmas for Emily and me. We have been trying to start a family for a couple of years now but last year's holidays put us over the one mark. It marked a year full of hope that had fizzled into frustration and disappointment. Many of you cannot relate with the pain of infertility but those who can know that it is a deep ache that never seems to go away. The feeling is similar to losing a loved one, only as time goes on the hurt seems to deepen rather than to heal. One of the toughest things for me has been having no guarantees that we will ever have a child. Having patience is hard enough when you know you are going to receive something but being patient for something that is uncertain can drive you crazy. I didn't allow myself to enjoy Christmas as much last year because the gift I really wanted was something I didn't have. My hope seemed to die a bit more with each birthing announcement we received, every new Facebook sonogram profile picture, and with news stories on TV about children being mistreated. It seemed the more I thought about it, the more people wanted to ask us questions like: "When are you guys gonna have some little ones?!" or "Do y'all not want kids?" Meanwhile it seemed like anyone else who wanted to have kids just said the word and a stork was dropping one off at their door 9 months later. For the first time in my life, I wasn't having things go the way I thought they should and it was killing me.

As we spent our holidays doing our usual, I couldn't help but notice that it seemed the baby population had at least tripled since the previous Christmas. You know how you don't really notice a car until you get one, then you feel like everyone else has the exact same one? Well, wanting children apparently makes you ultra aware of any human being under the age of 3. That Christmas was full of selfish feelings and was followed by many more self loathing days thereafter. All the while I prayed asking God, "Why?" with most of my prayers having the word "but" in them. It is one thing to say you trust God it is another to truly place ALL of your trust in Him regardless of his response.

When the angel of the Lord appeared to Mary and told her that although she was a virgin she was going to have a son, that son being Jesus Christ, I tend to think the initial thoughts that went through her head were just like any of ours would be. She thought of what others would say, how this would affect her personally, and how her clothes would fit differently from the weight gain (she was a female after all). What she didn't do however was simply say that she trusted God fully, she actually did trust God fully. Imagine if you heard that a girl was a virgin and was going to have a child. I don't know too many fathers that would be really happy with that news of their daughter. I can only imagine what her family, friends, and peers thought and said about her. But her belief that God had a plan for her life superseded everything else around her. She knew that whatever God was up to was the best plan for everyone, even if she didn't immediately see it.

Speaking of not seeing it, Joseph was blindsided! Now the angel of the Lord tells him that Mary is pregnant and he is to be the baby's earthly father. He had a huge decision to make! I'm not sure how he thought he would explain this to Mary's dad but I know the thought of having that conversation would be enough to make any man run. Joseph had to trust that the things that were happening to him had a purpose and God had him exactly where he wanted him. Despite what his buddies thought, what his family said, what the community thought of him, Joseph decided to man up and place all of his trust in God.

Our journey through the past couple of years has shown us many things. Besides patience, and patience ....and patience we have learned what it means to fully trust God. I have believed all along that if God wanted to put 8 babies on my couch right now, He could. That wasn't my problem. My problem was that I wanted Him to give me what I thought I deserved regardless of what He was trying to do in my life. What I have learned more than anything is that I need to get rid of my agenda and trust that God's plan for my life, kids or no kids, is the best plan for me. The only thing I can control is what I do. He has placed me in this situation for a reason and although I don't know what the future holds, I know that I have a choice to make an impact for Him or selfishly live a mediocre life.

I really wanted to write this blog with an ending that included us being pregnant but that's not my story yet. I actually bargained with God and told Him that if He would give us a child I would use that perfect ending to our story to help others in similar situations. Just because that's not my story, doesn't mean my story can't help someone. 1 Peter 5:8 tells us that Satan prowls around like a lion seeking anyone that he can devour. He was using our situation to make me angry, full of doubt, and afraid to talk to anyone. My story now is a story of peace. Regardless of what you are going through in your life whether it be marriage problems, job insecurity, financial troubles, illness or infertility, it isn't until you give God complete control that you will have peace. Where would we be today if Mary or Joseph decided that the plan they had laid out for themselves was better than God's? I am ready to enjoy Christmas surrounded by the people and the things that God has blessed me with abundantly. May this Christmas be your best ever and may the peace that comes only from a relationship with Jesus Christ comfort you this season.