Hope for A Family.

Mother's/Father's Day

  
(Hit play on the video first)


   Emily and I are having our first ever (and prayerfully last) embryo transfer tomorrow.  As excited as we are about finally being to this point in our journey, we are hesitant to get overly optimistic.  We have received such encouragement from so many people but some very touching words over the past 24 hours.  Some very special people, whom we have come into contact with through our infertility journey, both reminded us that regardless of the outcome from this IVF cycle tomorrow, at least for a little while, we will be parents to our own little babies.  I had never really thought about it like that before.  What an awesome thought!  We know that (one way or another) we will be parents someday but tomorrow we celebrate our own Mother's/Father's Day.

We understand that regardless of what happens in the future, God has transformed both of our lives and taken us to a place of 100% reliance on Him.  I pray that everyone who reads this can come to this place easier than we did, but know that it is a place full of peace, hope, safety, and more love than any earthly child could ever bring to our lives. 

The song in the video below has been one of our anchors.  A line that we have clung to says, "You are everything you've promised, your faithfulness is true."  The name of the song is "Waiting Here For You" and couldn't more accurately describe the past 3+years for us.  Beleiving that there is a reason for the bad times isn't easy but man is it powerful! We appreciate any prayers that you can give us over the next few weeks but we know that God hasn't taken us to this place to abandon us.  In a year from now, babies or no babies, He will be first.  I pray that if anyone is reading this now and struggling/searching/waiting for something of your own that you stop pretending that you can handle it on your own.  Trust me, I tried...

 

 

 

What to do?

I wanted to give an update on our infertility status.  After we were prompted to cancel our first IVF cycle, because the medications didn't work like the doctor wanted them to, we were frustrated and had a hard time deciding what to do next.  We aren't getting the money that we spent on Emily's first round of medications back but we still have a majority of the funds left for the IVF cycle itself.  We decided that we would do another cycle now based on what the doctor told us concerning Emily's endometriosis growing back.  I have posted about how difficult the Holidays are for us and we were glad that our IVF cycle was scheduled to by done (one way or another) by the end of October.  Now, it seems that we will get the news about 2 weeks before Christmas.  Another addition to the roller coaster that we have been on for over 3 years.  I ran across an article that I wish I could share with everyone that knows our situation.  It is written by a woman who was unable to have children herself and has now adopted but it covers the "What to do" concerning infertile couples.  Honestly, I think we could all use a "What to do" on issues that would help us to treat others as they want to be treated.  Anyhow, the link is here: (http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html). 


As far as where we are now, if I am being honest, we are exhausted.  I know Emily is tired of the injections (4 a day), I am tired of waiting, we are worn out from the "What if's", and are really tired of people feeling sorry for us.  Infertility is no fun.  We have decided that we will go through with this cycle and be done with fertility treatments.  In Psalms 38 David cries out to God saying "I am completely exhausted and crushed...You know what I long for Lord...I am waiting for you Lord, You must answer me...Come quickly..."  I know David wasn't crying out because he wanted his wife to get pregnant but I really related to his honest, heartfelt cries.  I also relate with the following chapter, verse 7, when he says "Lord, where do I put my hope? My only hope is in you."  Wow.  What amazing faith!  David went through alot but what I love most about him is that he was honest with God.  We can learn alot from his life.  Too many times I feel like God has put a burden on us and walked away.  I think He wants us to be honest with Him.  Its okay to tell Him how you feel but know that He will never leave us or forsake us (Hebrews 13:5).  I am so thankful for how God has strengthened our faith through this journey.  I am also grateful for how so many people have supported us for so long now.  Please pray for us over the next few weeks that regardless of the outcome, God will get glory.  Thank you for taking the time to read this and to try to understand a bit more.  If there is any way that we can help you or encourage you please let us know.  

Belly Pics

Look at 'em grow...

 

9 Weeks

 

12 Weeks

 

14 Weeks

18 Weeks

 20 Weeks

22 Weeks

24 weeks

May 12, 2013-26 Weeks

28 Weeks (taking a break from bedrest)

 

32 Weeks

 

 

9/23 Update

    

 

Life seems so much easier when things are going your way doesn't it? Emily and I have had quite the roller coaster of a week.  I'm currently writing this on a plane headed to Mexico with 2 guys from our church to plan mission trips for small groups to Playa Del Carmen, Mexico.  I have been praying for several years now that God would use me to go anywhere that He needed me to go and this opportunity came out of no where. I don't know what will come of this but I do that He has put me on this plane for a reason. One hour prior to boarding, Emily called me to give me her second update this week from the fertility clinic. She was scheduled to get an evaluation to see how ready she was for next week's egg retrieval.  We thought that this visit was basically to tell us whether or not she needed more medication to stimulate her through the weekend or not.  

     Rewind 5 days prior. We were having a yard sale to help raise money for our treatments. We prayed that the money we raised would cover most of the cost of the medications. We raised a total of $500 from items that our friends had given us to sell.  Emily's medications totaled $3500 and we were still $3000 short of that number.  We received a phone call the very next day that some members of my parents church in Kentucky had given us $2000 and we got another gift the following totaling $1100!!! God had provided, through the generosity of others, the entire amount we needed!  We were on a high and couldn't wait to see what God had in store for us this week. Just before I boarded my plane Emily called with some bad news, the clinic has decided that she did not have enough follicles stimulated to produce a good number of eggs which would give us low chances of success if we moved forward.  They recommended that we stop our IVF cycle and try a different stimulation plan later.  Crushed. We are both crushed.  Why wouldn't God use that awesome opportunity for His glory right now?!

 

     There are so many verses that I could use but Jeremiah 29:11 is the one I have clung to.  God has plans for us, plans for ALL of us. Plans to give us hope and a future. The main thing I have to stay focused on is that this future is for His glory, not mine, not Emily's, not our children's.  We all have things happen to us that we may never understand.  We must use those circumstances in our lives for good and not dwell on things we can't control.  If your happiness comes from your circumstances you will always be disappointed.  If your joy comes from Christ, it will sustain you through those rough patches.  Today, I am thankful for the process and thankful for the awesome life that I have been given with so many chances to tell people about what it really means to have Joy.  Thank you all for your prayers and support.  If we can help you in any way, please let us know.

 

 

The weight of "wait"

  

 

 One thing that I have never been very good at is waiting.  Some of my pet peeves are focused around waiting.  I get very impatient if I have to wait in line behind more than 2 people in a checkout line, when I know something is being shipped to me, and when I'm traveling.  There is nothing I can do to speed up any of these scenarios.  In fact, if I try to impose my own will in these situations there is a good chance that I will slow the process down.  Any of you who have ever had to wait on something for an extended period of time know what I am talking about. 

   Emily and I have been in a holding pattern of sorts for several years now.  We have tried many different routes of pregnancy with each one requiring us to wait several weeks for results.  After an IUI, we have to wait 2 weeks until Emily can take a pregnancy test, if that is negative we have to wait another 2 weeks until we can try again.  We have been through this cycle 3 times.  Now that we have begun IVF treatments the waiting is much longer.  First we wait for Emily's cycle to start, then we wait until the nurse instructs us to begin medications, then we wait until she goes in for diagnostic testings.  This is as far as we have gotten.  We will start that process over again this week.  As we have come to find out, trying to do things on our schedule has become laughable.  I have written previously about our difficult Christmas after we had been trying to start a family for a year.  We now are faced with the end of our IVF cycle being just before Christmas this year.  What exciting news if we are expecting at that time but what a crappy way to start another holiday season if we aren't. 

   Scriptures say that the Lord is good to those who wait (Lam 3:25). I can personally attest to this. He has blessed Emily and I beyond our wildest dreams.  Not with children, not with money, but with health, family, true Joy, great friends, and a strong relationship centered around Him.  I read recently that God's plan is ongoing and if we are seeking His will daily we should trust that He has us exactly where He wants us even if we think we are going no where.  A harsh reality of life is that we go through things that we may never get an explanation for and being a Christ follower doesn't make those crappy times go away. For us, waiting around to start a family (however that happens) is no fun.  The constant holding pattern is a heavy load but is only heavier if we try to carry it ourselves.  Some people wait for healing, a mate, an answer, a break, whatever that wait is, trust that it is part of a greater plan.

    I like to look at God like an undefeated coach of a team, He will give you everything you need to win the game, you just have to play and trust in His gameplan.  Once you start doing things like questioning the play calling, your equipment, what the media said, how big your opponent is and things like that you are destined to fail.  A good gameplan finishes with a win regardless of what some of the plays looked like or the margin of victory.  Trust God for the win in your life regardless of how long you wait for it.  If you are just playing for fun, whats the point when the game is over?

Calendar Round 1

This is a way for us to let you know exactly what we are doing when we do it. The IVf procedure has many, many layers to it and we wanted everyone to be able to go through this journey with us as much as possible. It is around a 55 day process...

July 27, 2012- Bloodwork prerequisites
-these tests let the doctors know if we had any communicable diseases as well as if anything that we hadn't seen yet might affect the IVF process

August 8, 2012- IVF Class
-this class is an informative requirement prior to our IVF procedure. We will learn specifics about our procedure and get a timetable for what to expect

August 20, 2012- And so it begins...
-today is the first official day of our IVF plan. Emily spoke with our nurse and she has given us a calendar with much more specific dates. We will try to start posting ahead of time.

August 22-29 2012- Begin Medications
-we were both placed on an antibiotic to rid our bodies of any possible infection that we may be carrying as we move forward. Emily was also placed on birth control (odd, we know) to decrease cysts that may form on her ovaries and also to regulate her cycle so that the clinic can more accurately predict when we are ready for certain steps

(Emily will have all of these medications ingested or injected by the 2nd week of October!)

September 2nd- Begin Lupron Injections
-Emily started Lupron injections which work to supress stimulation of her ovaries so that she isn't over stimulated when that time comes. I give her a shot each morning for a few weeks...

September 12th- Supression check, pelvic ultrasound, trial embryo transfer, more bloodwork...
-this is our first visit to the clinic since we have started the process. Emily will have a pelvic ultrasound to see how things look, have bloodwork to check her estrogen levels, and have a trial embryo transfer which allows the doctors to determine the best way to implant the embryos when that time comes. They use this technique to "map" the path that will ultimately be most successful for the actual embryo transfer...

September 15th- Hormone shots and restrictions...
-I (Emily) began taking the FSH hormone Bravelle twice a week along with the lupron shot for a total of 3 shots a day.The Bravelle stimulates multiple ovarian follicles. This is the lovely hormone that will increase my ovary size to a grapefruit. I cannot lift over 10 pds and can only do light walking. I'm also taking an oral medication called Dexamethasone. This improves the ovarian response to hyperstimulation.It's a type of steroid.

September 21-Stimulation check, bloodwork and bad news...
-I went in for a stimulation check to see how many follicles I had that could produce eggs for next weeks egg retrieval. I only had 4 follicles the size that they wanted and they recommend having 5 or more to move forward with the IVF cycle. We were advised to cancel this current cycle and start medications over again when my cycle begins. More shots, more time, but also more stories. God is faithful.

When awkward becomes normal...

* This is a somewhat lengthy post about our IVF class and where we stand now.  Thanks for reading.

  Today Emily and I had our required IVF class.  We thought we were prepared for the information that they were going to share with us.  I mean how hard is it to make a baby?! Well we got to the clinic early and waited around with a few other couples that, judging by their demeanor, were in the same situation we were in.  Guys act funny in the fertility clinic.  As I looked around this morning, the women all thumbed through their paperwork that we were to read over as the guys just all glanced up occasionally from our phones trying to stay calm and give off the " I've got this under control" vibe.  We don't. Infertility is a quiet topic for most people, but a group of men sitting around in a fertility clinic waiting to sit through a discussion about menstrual cycles, hormones, and fallopian tubes doesn't give off the same vibe that sitting in a sports bar does.  

      We were called back and followed the other couples through 3 sets of doors to a nice conference room complete with a kitchenette, a view of the Nashville skyline, and a huge flat screen TV encased in a large elegant book shelf.  As we took our places around the large conference table we surveyed the room for signs that might make us feel like this procedure is guaranteed to work.  Much to our dismay, there weren't any. A nurse in her mid to late 30's got our attention and notified us that the class was going to begin. She stood in her lab coat a bit nervous but eager to instruct and so she began the presentation.  

     She went through slide after slide explaining exactly how the process works. We knew that this was not going to be easy but we had no idea how many variables come into play. She explained exactly how they get the eggs and how they fertilize them and eventually how the embryos are placed back into the uterus. This is crazy crazy stuff. The process of having a child is already amazing but the fact that scientists can now assist couples that cannot conceive on their own blows my mind. I did take some comfort in the fact that I could tell the other couples were as anxious as we were. There was a couple sitting next to us that seemed to be around our age that couldn't stop talking every time the nurse stated a fact. With a sort of awkward laughing and giggling they would nudge each other almost as though the idea of this actually working for them had not crossed their minds yet. As we sat there listening to the presentation I couldn't help but wonder if the nurse herself had ever had fertility issues. Sure her jokes were funny, her smile was soothing, and she made the process seem like it was almost guaranteed to work, but as I looked around the room I just wondered if all these other people were as scared as we are.

     A few hours later when the presentation was completed, half of the couples whose insurance does not cover infertility treatments at all met with one of the financial advisers. We did get some promising news in that we found out the total cost of our procedure, if we are able to pay up front, will only be $8800. Then the real news came.  During the IVF process, the doctors use medications to get the woman's body as capable of producing eggs and handling a baby as they can.  This means that Emily will be taking a wide range of medications including birth control pills, antibiotics, hormones, and steroids.  We also found out that these medications will cost us $4000-$6000 beyond the cost of the IVF procedure.  The room got really quiet when they told us this. This is when they began telling us about our additional options. It was almost comical to me how easy they made it sound to add on genetic testing or advanced techniques for several thousand dollars more. We have the option to do genetic testing, advance embryo treatment, and other things that would not even be thought of in a normal pregnancy. One of the toughest things that happened this day was that we had to make decisions based on a three-hour PowerPoint presentation and the minimal knowledge that we had already of IVF. Luckily we got to meet with our own IVF nurse after this was over.

    I almost felt bad for this girl. I had plenty of questions myself but Emily had stuck post it notes on just about every page in our packet so that we would leave no stone unturned with regards to information that we wanted to know about. I guess I could compare it to sitting for some sort of bar exam with only one day of preparation and only two weeks to take the test. Our nurse was very helpful though. She made us feel better about the process as a whole and ensured us that we would have plenty of instruction prior to starting as well as during each phase. It seemed like every time she answered a question one of us started right back in with an inquisitive, "So..."  We admitted that we were a bit overwhelmed and asked about delaying the procedure but she reinforced what our doctor had told us after Emily's surgery, that we should proceed as soon as we are able due to our specific findings. 

     Now is the tough part for us. We know we want to move forward and we feel like God has led us to this point. The support we have received from so many people is overwhelming. Now we know exactly how much money we need and unfortunately we have been told that we need this money upfront. Our estimated total will be around $14,000 for the process and the medications. This number could fluctuate by $2000. (This variation is based on the medication need for each individual patient.) We are looking into the possibilities of having a yard sale, applying for grants, and other ways to raise the money we need. The longer we wait, the lower the doctors say our chances of conceiving are. Thank you for those that have helped us so far and if you know of anyone that could benefit from reading our blog or know anyone that might be able to help us directly please forward this link on. Please feel free to repost on facebook, share with friends, aynthing will help!  Ask us questions too.  We want to be as open as we can about this.  We are looking anywhere and everywhere for financial help and realize that some people may not understand, care, or agree with our plans.  But, we are so thankful for all of the support we have received.  We are truly blessed.

Keep Your Head Up

 

*Before you read this we want to thank everyone who has helped us both financially and otherwise so far.  Words cannot begin to express our gratitude.

     There have been many songs throughout the years that have encouraged people to "Keep your head up." I will admit that the latest song to do this (found here) is a catchy upbeat tune that makes looking up seem really easy.  These songs encourage us to keep moving forward and stay positive regardless of whats going on in our lives.  The more I thought about the concept of keeping your head "up" the more it got me thinking about what exactly we should be looking at.

     Looking up allows us to see what's ahead, but what if we don't like what we see? OR what if we can't see anything at all? Then what? Well, a few years ago I would've suggested that you just tough it out, don't make a big deal about it and maybe do some praying (because that's when we are supposed to pray right?  When things are bad?).  Well I have a different suggestion now.

     As you should know by now Emily and I are trying to start a family which has been the single hardest thing either of us has been through.  I've said this before, but we didn't realize how much pregnancy, babies, and talk of children was all around us until we realized that starting a family wasn't going to be easy for us.  I think people just assume we have kids because of where we are in our lives and seem to throw us right into the middle of conversations that we don't belong in.  I mean, we still go to bed relatively late, sleep in when we can, eat peaceful dinners together and don't have locks on our cabinets/toilets/or anything else that will open. As much as we love the life we have WE ARE READY FOR KIDS!!!

     To most of you, it doesn't seem like we have anything to hang our heads about.  All I can say is when you want something as bad as we want a family of our own, it seems like you can't get away from it.  But, we are able to keep our heads up not because we are promised children but because we both truly understand now that God's plan for our lives is all that matters.  A great biblical analogy is the story of Moses and the bronze serpent (read it here). Basically, the Israelites were in the wilderness speaking against God's plan so He sent poisonous snakes out.  The snakes bit the people, but if the people listened to God's command and looked up at a bronze serpent that Moses placed up on a pole, they wouldn't die. 

     Sounds weird but here's my point: God didn't send the snakes to bite only the people who were defiant.  He sent the snakes and they bit whoever they pleased.  The hope in this story is that if the people looked up they wouldn't die and would be allowed to continue on the journey God had them on.  We may be bitten and we may be bitten alot! If we keep our head's up however, we won't die either! God had given His people a promise and as we know from later readings, He fulfilled His promise.  That should be our encouragement.  This story is an example of how we should act.  If we keep our heads up focused on Him we will get to the place He wants us to be.  Whether or not that is where we want to be or not doesn't matter.  Life is not about us. 

Check Please.

  I just wanted to write a quick post to give some encouragement. I have found recently that the further into this infertility struggle Emily and I get the more fulfilled we are by God's presence. It is crazy to think that just a few short years ago I thought I had it all figured out. I was at a job that was going to benefit Emily with a Master's degree and get me experience that would propel me to where I wanted to go next. That's when it happened for me. Brokenness. Out of no where.


   My cousin gave me a great analogy that God is an AWESOME hockey player. So just as you are skating along thinking that you have the game all figured out He comes out of no where and SLAMS you into the glass. You can't breathe, you hurt, you don't really know what just happened. But there He is to help you up. He may then just tell you to go sit down for a bit, He can handle it.


   God takes us all to a place where we have a decision to make, give up and let Him have control or keep fooling ourselves that we are the ones making things happen in our lives. It is one thing to thank God for His blessings, it is another thing to get out of the way completely and let Him have all credit for everything in your life. He may get your attention through suffering. If so, stop wondering "Why me?" Romans 8:16-17 says that we are heirs of God (inheriting all that He has) , this means we are heirs WITH Christ, and our suffering with Him allows us to be to glorified with Him. After all, He was humiliated, suffered and died for us. Our suffering may not benefit us either, but it will benefit someone, somehow if you allow God to use you. If not, suffering will seem like nothing more than misery and hope will get farther and farther away. Keep your head up (literally) and stay in the game. Life is a team sport, no one can succeed on their own. 

Why?

This is an earlier post that I wrote. It is the foundation of this blog.  Thanks for reading.

When a loved one dies, when natural disasters occur, when you fail the test you felt so prepared to take, times like these are the easiest times to ask "why?" and the hardest times to think logically. I have been inundated with "why?" moments lately from many different angles in my life. As humans it is our very nature to question things. We start from a very early age with questions like,"why are we going there?" or "why does that work?" That is how we learn as children. Many times that is how we learn as adults too, only we learn the hard way. The question of Why is extremely basic in nature yet very complex at its core. I want to look into one of the most commonly used questions of Why in our society today and give my perspective on it. That question is: Why do bad things happen?


When I was 8 years old one of the most special people in my life was taken away from me. My grandfather passed away of a heart attack at the young age of 65. I was too young to think logically about the reasons for his death and was far too immature to understand how death even made any sense. I can still remember when the news was given to me at church after our morning service. I went home and cried, yelled, and screamed a God who was supposed to give me everything I wanted not take it away. It was my first true battle with Why?


As I have gotten older many more situations have occurred in my life that left me asking, "Why?" Seeing people struggle with addiction, trying to be accepted, failed relationships, hurt, betrayal, tragedy, sickness, death and whatever else life throws our way is hard for most of us to deal with. Most recently Emily and I have encountered the most challenging "Why?" we have ever faced, not being able to have a child. God has been really good to us and blessed us with plenty to be thankful for. So as we began thinking about starting a family several years ago I assumed God would fit that in right on my schedule where I had told Him to. Not the case. Our Why began to grow...Why can't we have kids easily? Why can other people have them SO easily? Why does a couple that seems so fit for a child of their own begin to feel so inadequate? Why won't you give us a child NOW?!


I began searching as most of us do when we get to our Why moments in life and I came to the same fork in the road I always had: choose to lose hope, remain bitter, and continue to question OR trust that God has a plan for my life that is better than the one I tried to fit Him into. For the first time in a long time, I opted for His plan.


I ran across this verse several times as I tried to search for answers in the Bible. It has essentially become the answer to my Why


And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose (Romans 8:28 ESV).


The good news is we are all called according to His purpose. We have all heard "Everything happens for a reason." I have come to believe that although every bad thing that happens to us may not have a specific purpose, our cumulative experiences are all an equation for God's ultimate goal for our lives. Another thing I have realized is that amidst trying times, God is still there and as hard as it seems to realize, He wants to know us far more than He wants us to know the answers to all of our questions. That is the essence of Christianity. Trust in a God that will never let you down, regardless of your "Why's?"


I now see how the foundation that my grandfather left for me makes me aspire to do more with my life. Emily and I are on a different map from the one we were on several years ago, but now I realize we were using the wrong map. I don't know what lies ahead for me but for the first time ever in my life, I am at full peace with that. It seems like I have been surrounded by many people in various situations recently who are asking the same question under different circumstances. I shared this to let you know, among my skepticism and questions, I am proof that asking a real God to show Himself to you rather than asking Him "Why?" every time something doesn't go according to your plan may take you off your course, but will ultimately get you on the course you were supposed to be on all along. Regardless of your situation there is hope. Not hope in the form of an answer but rather hope in a God who created you and has a specific plan for you to fulfill.

*For anyone who cares to know where Emily and I are now, our update is below:


We still have a desire to have our own child. We feel like God has given us that desire and until He changes that or shows us that it isn't possible, we are going to do everything we can to make that happen. It looks like the fertility clinic will be seeing more of us in the near future. We have been asked many times about adoption and are absolutely not shutting the door on that option but neither of us feel like we are being called to do that at this time. If an IVF (google or ask us) is in our future, we will have to do some grassroots fundraising. One thing about fertility treatments and adoptions are that as ready as you can be for a child, you also must be able to afford what equals the price of a new car. We trust fully that whatever God has in store for us, He will follow through on. Finally, the topic of infertility is a bit awkward to bring up in conversation but we are COMPLETELY willing to talk about it with anyone. Too many people stay silent about their struggles and we want to try and change that. If you want to know anything about our situation or are going through something similar, please ask/share. We know how difficult and overwhelming it can be, especially when Facebook seems to turn into a baby scrapbook or people just don't seem to understand. Thanks for your prayers and support!

Real Peace

I wrote this post in December of 2011.  It gives a good background to how we got to where we are.  Please comment or ask questions below.    

Christmas is a special time of year for most people. We get to take a break from our normal routines and spend time with friends and family justifying eating far too much and reflecting on the year. We stress out over what gifts to get everyone and try to please all the people we can, many times for the wrong reasons. We are also reminded to remember the "reason for the season": the birth of Jesus, which is the true meaning of Christmas. This year I have decided to spend some time looking at the story of Christmas from the perspective of Jesus' parents, Mary and Joseph. The more I thought about the story from their point of view, I began to realize just how amazing their stories were and found solace from their Christmas journey. Their faith in God's plan is an extremely inspiring story and that makes this Christmas much more special to me.

Last year was a tough Christmas for Emily and me. We have been trying to start a family for a couple of years now but last year's holidays put us over the one mark. It marked a year full of hope that had fizzled into frustration and disappointment. Many of you cannot relate with the pain of infertility but those who can know that it is a deep ache that never seems to go away. The feeling is similar to losing a loved one, only as time goes on the hurt seems to deepen rather than to heal. One of the toughest things for me has been having no guarantees that we will ever have a child. Having patience is hard enough when you know you are going to receive something but being patient for something that is uncertain can drive you crazy. I didn't allow myself to enjoy Christmas as much last year because the gift I really wanted was something I didn't have. My hope seemed to die a bit more with each birthing announcement we received, every new Facebook sonogram profile picture, and with news stories on TV about children being mistreated. It seemed the more I thought about it, the more people wanted to ask us questions like: "When are you guys gonna have some little ones?!" or "Do y'all not want kids?" Meanwhile it seemed like anyone else who wanted to have kids just said the word and a stork was dropping one off at their door 9 months later. For the first time in my life, I wasn't having things go the way I thought they should and it was killing me.

As we spent our holidays doing our usual, I couldn't help but notice that it seemed the baby population had at least tripled since the previous Christmas. You know how you don't really notice a car until you get one, then you feel like everyone else has the exact same one? Well, wanting children apparently makes you ultra aware of any human being under the age of 3. That Christmas was full of selfish feelings and was followed by many more self loathing days thereafter. All the while I prayed asking God, "Why?" with most of my prayers having the word "but" in them. It is one thing to say you trust God it is another to truly place ALL of your trust in Him regardless of his response.

When the angel of the Lord appeared to Mary and told her that although she was a virgin she was going to have a son, that son being Jesus Christ, I tend to think the initial thoughts that went through her head were just like any of ours would be. She thought of what others would say, how this would affect her personally, and how her clothes would fit differently from the weight gain (she was a female after all). What she didn't do however was simply say that she trusted God fully, she actually did trust God fully. Imagine if you heard that a girl was a virgin and was going to have a child. I don't know too many fathers that would be really happy with that news of their daughter. I can only imagine what her family, friends, and peers thought and said about her. But her belief that God had a plan for her life superseded everything else around her. She knew that whatever God was up to was the best plan for everyone, even if she didn't immediately see it.

Speaking of not seeing it, Joseph was blindsided! Now the angel of the Lord tells him that Mary is pregnant and he is to be the baby's earthly father. He had a huge decision to make! I'm not sure how he thought he would explain this to Mary's dad but I know the thought of having that conversation would be enough to make any man run. Joseph had to trust that the things that were happening to him had a purpose and God had him exactly where he wanted him. Despite what his buddies thought, what his family said, what the community thought of him, Joseph decided to man up and place all of his trust in God.

Our journey through the past couple of years has shown us many things. Besides patience, and patience ....and patience we have learned what it means to fully trust God. I have believed all along that if God wanted to put 8 babies on my couch right now, He could. That wasn't my problem. My problem was that I wanted Him to give me what I thought I deserved regardless of what He was trying to do in my life. What I have learned more than anything is that I need to get rid of my agenda and trust that God's plan for my life, kids or no kids, is the best plan for me. The only thing I can control is what I do. He has placed me in this situation for a reason and although I don't know what the future holds, I know that I have a choice to make an impact for Him or selfishly live a mediocre life.

I really wanted to write this blog with an ending that included us being pregnant but that's not my story yet. I actually bargained with God and told Him that if He would give us a child I would use that perfect ending to our story to help others in similar situations. Just because that's not my story, doesn't mean my story can't help someone. 1 Peter 5:8 tells us that Satan prowls around like a lion seeking anyone that he can devour. He was using our situation to make me angry, full of doubt, and afraid to talk to anyone. My story now is a story of peace. Regardless of what you are going through in your life whether it be marriage problems, job insecurity, financial troubles, illness or infertility, it isn't until you give God complete control that you will have peace. Where would we be today if Mary or Joseph decided that the plan they had laid out for themselves was better than God's? I am ready to enjoy Christmas surrounded by the people and the things that God has blessed me with abundantly. May this Christmas be your best ever and may the peace that comes only from a relationship with Jesus Christ comfort you this season.