"Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.”

Making plans in life always seems like a good idea.  It's thinking that our plans have some sort of authority that is humorous.  Many times when our plans don't succeed we worry. Emily and I sat in this very hospital 3 nights ago after she had a scary episode of bleeding that led us to discover she had placenta previa.  That day we were told that a previa at 26 weeks of pregnancy has little to no chance of moving.  We were told that Emily would probably experience at least one more episode and when that occurred she would be in the hospital until she delivered. Of course they couldn't give us a timetable on when that might happen. We decided to pray and ask others to pray that the placenta would move and that Emily would be able to carry the boys close to full term. Two nights later as Emily went to bed, it happened again. 

She lost alot of blood and I was there to see it all. The athletic trainer in me kicked in as I tried to manage her vital signs and clean up the area.  We called the on-call OBGyn and were told to get to Baptist Hospital if I thought Emily could make it. The doctor made sure to let me know that I needed to take her to a hospital that delivers babies if we couldn't make it to Baptist.  That is the comment that started my mind churning. I couldn't wrap my head around the idea that our boys could be delivered tonight.  How long would they be in intensive care? How far behind proper developmental progress would they be at this point? Many other questions poured into my already overwhelmed mind as we pulled into the parking garage.  I began to notice Emily losing color and getting faint.

They rushed her back into a room and began to draw more blood.  I was really nervous at this point because I had seen firsthand the amount of blood that she lost already.  The nurse let me know that they were drawing blood to send to the lab so that we would be ready for surgery.  The doctor on call let us know that the neo-natal specialist was on standby and the nursery was also ready.  Now my worrying was on high alert.  I had not even imagined when I woke up Thursday morning that I may have 2 little tiny premature babies to care for.  They gave Emily an IV and a medication to slow down her contractions just in time and she began to come around. 

One thing we learned is that the cervix contracts and reacts to blood.  When Emily bled, it moved through the cervix causing contractions.  The nurses advised us to have another ultrasound to check the cause of the bleeding.  We were pleasantly surprised to meet the same ultrasound tech that we had just 2 days prior.  She had been called in just for us.  She has no idea how much it meant to us when she told us that she was rushing in so that she could meet us at midnight.  After about 20 minutes of looking around she told us that the boys looked great and she would discuss the rest of her findings with the doctor.

When we talked to the doctor after the ultrasound she informed us that the placenta that was sitting on the cervix (the one that wouldn't move) had moved.  She said it was a miracle and not only had it moved but it had moved significantly!  This is where the bleeding had come from.  Emily stayed under constant observation throughout the night in the labor and delivery ward.  The following day we were transferred to antepartum and she was taken off of full time monitoring. Her doctor visited us and let us know that she wanted Emily to stay here in the hospital for at least a couple of weeks while she hopefully stabilizes. 

Today's lesson learned:

God can prove himself to us over and over but we, out of human ignorance, make it so hard to fully trust the next time something tough hits us.  I sit here in this room thinking about my worrying 24 long hours ago.  Not only is everything okay, but something that 4 days ago was "impossible" has been overcome.  I feel so ashamed.  I continually ask for God's help and He remains faithful.  It may not show up in the form I would prefer, but He is so so so faithful. When we worry, we are trying to control situations on our own.  As much as I say I'm not going to worry, there I was last night full of worry and what ifs?  My prayer tonight is that I would fully trust in the following verse:

Proverbs 19:21         

Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand.

***Emily is at Baptist Hospital in the mother and infant care unit on the 3rd floor, room 3206 for a couple weeks.

We are so touched by all the comments, tweets, texts and calls of encouragement. Emily is the toughest chick I know.  She has endured so much through this whole process.  Thank you for your prayers...

Update 5/15/13

Well, here we sit at Baptist Hospital. Just 2 days ago Emily was having her maternity photo session, a day she had dreamed about for years. Now we sit in an observation room a day after we rushed Emily to the hospital for bleeding. This is just another chapter in our journey to be parents.  As bleak as our situation looked yesterday, we understand that we are not in control.

We got here and they found both babies heartbeats. That relieved us both tremendously but still didn't explain the bleeding. She then was taken back for an ultrasound. Immediately our ultrasound tech (who was awesome) told us that Emily has a condition called placenta previa  (Explained here).  The premise of this condition is that one of the babies' placenta is covering the cervix causing bleeding.

 This bleeding can be harmful to the baby trying to get nutrients and also to Emily. The ultrasound showed that both boys are in perfect health and that everything else looks great. We are thankful for that. The doctor told us this morning that Emily needs to be on bedrest for the remainder of her pregnancy. No fun. 

We are grateful for all of the prayers and support. We realized this road was going to be a long hard road a few years ago, we just didn't know how hard. As we have said many times, God has used this situation to show us who He truly is. For that, regardless of our circumstances, we are eternally grateful. It's just another example of life. It is unfair, it is unexpected, it is short, but it is such an awesome gift. We are still learning to cherish each day. None of us are guaranteed another one. Thanks for loving us and supporting us. We will never be able to repay you but thank you from the bottom of our hearts. My lesson for the day is this:

Too often we try to figure God out. He exists outside our world, outside our science, outside our capabilities. God wants us to trust Him for who He is, not for who we want Him to be. That's why we call it faith. It doesn't make tough situations any easier to explain, it makes the explanation less important. If I believe that He created the world it is crazy of me not to trust Him in my daily problems. My lesson for today is to understand that I may never understand.

Now, if you know of any good movies, books, or shows that Emily might enjoy send them our way. We are hoping she has a couple months to relax...

1 Samuel 1:27

Learn about our infertility struggle here

   Everyone has their mess. That is a phrase that really stuck with me. As Emily and I have gone through the past 4 years, our mess has been infertility. It has been a challenge on many levels for us: emotionally, physically, spiritually, mentally, socially, and so on. We all have things in our lives that we struggle with, and for this season of our lives, it has been the struggle to start a family. I can only express to you but can't make you truly understand the true emotions of this struggle unless you have been through it yourself, much like my lack of true understanding for what someone with a terminal disease goes through. We have spent the last almost 4 years feeling awkward, angry, confused, discouraged, sad, and happy. It has been a rollercoaster that we can't seem to get off.


   We appreciate the sensitivity that has been shown to us, but are also sad at the relationships that have changed drastically because of our situation. Whenever something doesn't go our way in life, it is easy for us to shut down and wait for it to pass. I'm as guilty of this as anyone. This blog has been an attempt to change that. We have many friends with kids who just don't seem to have much in common with a couple without kids. We can't relate in those conversations that are centered around the crazy things the kids did this week and how they are the center of your world. The most uncomfortable moments are those that happen when no one has any idea that you are struggling. It seems like not a day has gone by when someone has asked me a question along the lines of, "when are y'all gonna start popping some kids out?" As if it is just that simple for everyone. We were at a friend’s house one night and had a random girl say, "I can't even let my husband touch me without getting pregnant!" Those are the shots to the gut and the things that can reduce your optimism to nothing.


   There is no perfect thing to say, no magic words to write but we have come to realize that our mess is just like everyone else's. Everyone has insecurities, shortcomings, failures, and weaknesses. We are all human and life happens to every single one of us. There is no way we can all be perfectly sensitive to each unique circumstance. What we can do is care for others as Christ cares for us. I can't give hope to someone battling with drug abuse, but God can. I can't promise eternal Joy after someone has lost a loved one, but God can. I can't give unconditional unsurpassed love to someone that they can't explain after terrible things have happened to them in their past, but God can. Our goal should be to demonstrate those attributes as best as we humanly can while pointing people to the ultimate giver of hope and love.

 

   Emily and I thought a long time about whether to open up and share our story. We prayed about and discussed the embarrassment, the privacy, people opposed to the idea, public hurt, and disappointment but felt led to share. We are so glad that we did. Our journey has put us in contact with so many wonderful people who are now a part of our lives. We have met other couples who have struggled and are currently struggling with infertility that put a whole new perspective on our problems. We have been overwhelmed with the financial, prayerful, emotional and verbal support from so many people that will we will never be able to thank you enough for. We are so excited to tell our children that so many of our friends, family, and people we didn't even know made it possible for them to be here.

 

 










 

(1 Samuel 1:27)

   Emily had her first ultrasound January 2 and it was visibly confirmed to us that there are children (plural) on the way! She is only about 9 weeks along and there is still a long way to go, but we wanted to share our news and ask for your continued prayers for the well-being of our tiny little miracles. (Emily does have a subchorionic hemorrhage so please be praying for that to go away!) There is so much discussion on when to "announce". We are over it. God blessed us through many friends, family and strangers making us realize that the suport we have received is something we want around us always, regardless of circumstances. We do not know gender yet, but do know that there are two. Now as happy as we are, our hearts still break for couples who, like us, are having a tough time trying to start a family of their own.


   Finally, I wanted to say a word to anyone currently going through a struggle. If that struggle is infertility, please talk to us. We understand how hard the baby announcements, the baby bump pictures, the Facebook apps that tell everyone your baby is the size of walnut, Christmases with the kids running around, and talk of babies everywhere can be. If your struggle is something else, give it to God. He can offer so much more than any therapist, anonymous meeting, Dr. Phil, or any other earthly resource could ever offer. God has used our situation to bring us closer to Him. It wasn't the way I wanted, but that is the important part. We got to the place of full surrender and full trust in His plan that we were nowhere near 4 years ago.


   Anyone around me lately knows I have adopted "I am Second" as my life's motto. I have challenged myself to truly live second in as many areas of my life as I can. I challenge you to do the same. Amazing things happen when God shows up.

Bittersweet Mother's Day

   Today is a bittersweet but different day….It’s Mother’s Day. As I woke up this morning I felt overjoyed. Today is a day I can actually celebrate being a mother. Then again, I think back to 4 years ago, especially last year, when I dreaded this day, cried tears of pain, skipped church due to all the Mother’s being acknowledged as I stayed seated and had so many questions as to why I had to go through this agony.  

   I say this day is bittersweet because I celebrate the miracles God has given us while at the same time my heart hurts and always will ache for my those who yearn to become mothers and experience the same emotions I felt on Mother’s Day. As I cried today, I cried tears of joy and tears of pain. Infertility, as we have said before, is something no one will understand unless you have walked the path. Days like Mother’s and Father’s Day are very difficult. I remember years of being in church and seeing all the Mother’s stand and be honored. My heart broke as I longed to stand. Today was different…I was able to stand but was hesitant as I thought about other women sitting around me. I remember that feeling of emptiness and longing to stand and say “I’m a mom.” As I stood today, tears fell as I placed my hand on my belly, prayed and thanked God for the 2 miracles he has allowed me to carry. As I held Jared’s hand I was overwhelmed by emotions.

  Jared read me an article this morning about a woman who longed to be a mother. She sent this letter to a pastor regarding the acknowledgment of mothers in church on Mother’s Day. Tears swelled up as he read it to me. We know Pastors have good intentions but a woman should be acknowledged in every way, not just because she is a mother. The author encouraged church's to recognize women as follows : 

To those who gave birth this year to their first child—we celebrate with you, To those who lost a child this year – we mourn with you, To those who are in the trenches with little ones every day and wear the badge of food stains – we appreciate you, To those who experienced loss through miscarriage, failed adoptions, or running away—we mourn with you, To those who walk the hard path of infertility, fraught with pokes, prods, tears, and disappointment – we walk with you. Forgive us when we say foolish things. We don’t mean to make this harder than it is, To those who are foster moms, mentor moms, and spiritual moms – we need you, To those who have warm and close relationships with your children – we celebrate with you, To those who have disappointment, heart ache, and distance with your children – we sit with you, To those who lost their mothers this year – we grieve with you, To those who experienced abuse at the hands of your own mother – we acknowledge your experience, To those who lived through driving tests, medical tests, and the overall testing of motherhood – we are better for having you in our midst, To those who are single and long to be married and mothering your own children - we mourn that life has not turned out the way you longed for it to be, but we know that God has amazing plans for you, To those who step-parent - we walk with you on these complex paths, To those who envisioned lavishing love on grandchildren, yet that dream is not to be - we grieve with you, To those who will have emptier nests in the upcoming year – we grieve and rejoice with you ,To those who placed children up for adoption – we commend you for your selflessness and remember how you hold that child in your heart And to those who are pregnant with new life, both expected and surprising –we anticipate with you.

   As I end this entry, I encourage everyone who is a mother to be sensitive to others on days like today. You never know what another woman is going through or what kind of burden she is carrying. There can sometimes be a heavy burden hiding behind a simple smile. I know it is the polite thing to say “Happy Mother’s Day” to women but I remember that feeling when I heard those words and wanted to say….”I’m not a mom, thanks for reminding me that I’m not.” I encourage women who are waiting to start their families to remember these verses:

 Cast all your cares and anxieties and worries on him, for he cares for you affectionately and cares about you watchfully. 1 Peter 5: 7

Thank God in everything no matter what the circumstance may be, be thankful and give him thanks for this is the will of God for you who are in Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 5:18

Come to me all who labor and are heavy laden and overburdened and I will cause you to rest. I will ease and relieve and refresh your souls. Take my yoke upon you and learn of me, for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your souls. Matthew 11: 28-29